The Whole Truth

Oct 26

2012

This pattern ucks me up. Every time.

by Alexis Neely - Posted in Life |

I sure am glad I overcame my fear and came fully out of the closet about all of what’s really happening in my life.  The thing holding me back from it the most has been my fear that the lawyers I serve will read about my bankruptcy, freak out and stop trusting me to deliver great things for them.

Ah, fears. How they hold us back from making the impact in the world we could be making if we just showed up fully as we are!  To remind me of that, today, I got this note from one of my lawyer members:

“I cannot begin to tell you how very much I appreciated that post!  It’s so easy to feel like a failure but your post helped me put things into perspective [list of all sorts of shitty things happening in her life right now that have kept her from focusing on business].  So, the big picture is that although business is not booming now, it is perfect for me at this point in my life. I have had the time to help my daughter and “just be” with her.I have been able to spend time with my father as he recovers from his surgeries. I have been able to help my parents with their business – we have built a website and have launched an email newsletter (I only know how to do this because I figured out how to set up an email list for my business through mailchimp).  They are going through some legal issues with the businesses and I am so glad I have the time to help them.  I have had to give up some things in the process, but all in all I am so thankful that I have the work I do and the time to spend on the relationships that really matter.”

Well, there ya go.  What could you share more publicly that might help others if you stop hiding it and let the real you out?

Before you answer that, I want to share something I’ve recently uncovered about myself that has got to shift. It’s a pattern that repeatedly fucks me up and, up until now, I have not been able to see it clearly enough to change it.

But I can now, and I’m calling it out of hiding, shining the light on it and I am committed to transforming it.  You can help.

Ok, here it is.

I have a deeply rooted belief that I must remain focused and vigilant about everything I do not want to happen because if I do not, I will be blindsided/disappointed when I do not get what I want.  As a result of this belief, I am incessantly focused on what I do not want.

I can now see how this pattern has repeatedly fucked me and everyone else around me. Again and again and again.You know your thoughts create your reality, right?  Of course you do. (If you don’t, pick up this book and give it a read. It’s a quickie.)

I know it too. And, yet, knowing that has not been enough to overcome the deep-seated belief that I must stay aware of everything that might go wrong.

So, I constantly point out what’s going wrong instead of recognizing, appreciating, validating and celebrating what’s right.  (By the way, I think this is a characteristic very common to many lawyers due to our training/indoctrination and one I will work to shift in the lawyers I train as soon as I get a handle on it me.)

Or, I get angry and resentful about not having what I want (and stay focused on why I can’t have it) instead of clearly and directly asking for what I want.

This pattern has got to go. It’s not serving me. And it’s certainly not fun for the people close to me.

So, I’m going to become a scientist, a researcher of sorts, dedicated to doing what it takes to eradicate this pattern in my life. It starts here by sharing it with you.  Because while you’ve probably heard that awareness is the first step, I’m going to venture to say bringing it out of the closet and sharing it is the second step. Otherwise, it can too easily slip back into a blind spot.

Now, here’s what I’m planning to do:

  • NLP with LiYana Silver on Nov. 5.  She says I might be able to shift it in just one session. That would be exciting.
  • EFT — tap tap tap it away.  I’ll need to find someone to support me with that.
  • Access Consciousness — when I get back to Boulder I’m going to do my bars (I don’t really know what that means, but I’ve been hearing good things about it and I understand it involves touching my head, which I really like). I’ve been wanting to do it for a while and now I have damn good reason.
  • Energy Work — I recently had a session with Anna Lisa of Luminous, but she’s back in Santa Cruz and I didn’t know about this pattern at the time so we didn’t work on it.  I’ll see if Krista Barbour can help when I get back to Boulder.
  • Parts Work/Voice Dialogue — the pattern started to become really clear to me in a session with Stacy Goldring this past week and I’ve done some really great parts work with her in the past, so I’ll go back to her for that again.

Stacy says the first thing I need to do is get really clear about how this pattern has served me in the past. I’ve got a whole big story about that from my law school days and how it somehow supported me to graduate first in my class, but I’ll have to share that with you another day because it’s too late tonight.

Then, she says I need to get really grateful to the pattern because things are most easily transformed from a place of love and appreciation.  So, I’ll need to work on that because I’m not particularly thrilled with this pattern right now.

Do you want to help eradicate this pattern and maybe call it out in yourself and be done with it too?  If so, here’s what I would love you to do.  Post in the comments about how this pattern shows up in your life.  Also, maybe share with me how this pattern has helped you so I can love it in you and then maybe love it in me through you.  Send any other words of wisdom or support you might have for me.

Have I mentioned I’m really glad to be back? I am. Really. Glad.

 


  • Sariyd Feliciano

    Wow. Thank you for being so raw, naked, vulnerable. Your words echo my soul’s light and its shadows. Sharing is definitely key to transformation! If we don’t then our stuff lingers in the shadows, in the recesses of our willful neglect and cowardice, leaving us to be pushed, pulled, and bullied by them as they gather strength in the dark night of the soul.

    As to the anger and resentment for not getting what you want because you do not ask for what you want (which is me too) –  What does your internal voice, the one that is
    constantly running, say that prevents you from asking for what you want?

    Keep doing what you’re doing, Sis – I’ll be tuning in.

  • Stacy Nelson

    What a great gift in your life… the sucky shit will pass but the time with your parents and daughter is priceless and the things you are going to change energetically – awesome with sauce! Much love, light & healing to you!

  • Stacy Nelson

    What a great gift in your life… the sucky shit will pass but the time with your parents and daughter is priceless and the things you are going to change energetically – awesome with sauce! Much love, light & healing to you!

  • Sabine

    Alex, you are on the right track! I have been getting into the feel good state about “what would my life look like, if…(fill in your dream)”? Wayne Dyer really illuminates that here: http://youtu.be/0yJP9cuKNqI

  • Sabine

    Alex, you are on the right track! I have been getting into the feel good state about “what would my life look like, if…(fill in your dream)”? Wayne Dyer really illuminates that here: http://youtu.be/0yJP9cuKNqI

  • Evoke Eden

    aren’t you doing it now?
    Just saying…

  • Anonymous

    I left a long comment on your facebook about paradigms then clicked on your blog post. If you want to make a shift for good go to http://www.higherpurposemastery.com and sign up for the free classes. the first two lesson are about shifting exactly what you are trying to shift. let me know if you need any help. You know where to find me…XO

  • Anonymous

    Alexis, I’ll be there for you to tap it away. Been doing EFT since 2001 and when I saw you stressed once, I wanted to take you on the side and tap with you back then.

    Looks like the perfect situation has arisen now. I’m happy to serve you this way. You will love how much fun we will have as we do it. I promise, this shit is going to be Delicious!

    Contact me via http://www.LivDelicious.com
    or skype LivDeliciousEFT

    Love ya Aloha flower mamma!

  • Katherine C. H. E.

    Here’s what I discovered when I started looking at all this in myself…  my fears/worries/focus on the “bad” is what I associated in my mind with stopping the rape and sexual abuse I experienced as a little girl — a biggie.  So, I actually associated fear with safety (warped, but it made sense because it SEEMED the hyper-vigilance was what stopped the abuse).  So, whenever I felt not safe in my life, I’d slip into fear to find safety again.

    I’ve gotten very good at focusing on what I want and solutions etc during the day, but lately, I’ve noticed I’ve started shifting back to the old patterns of worry and fear as I lie in bed about to drift off to sleep — and I’m seeing the results in my life shift for the worse as a result.

    For a while, it made me feel a little crazy at bedtime, but I’ve been letting go and REPLACING that thought habit with one of the following:
    >a detailed visualization of a flower
    >focus on the solution/desired outcome
    >a Ho’opnonopono-inspired mantra:  Thank you.  I love you.  I forgive you.

    It is hard to just drop one habit, you have better luck replacing it with one that serves you better.

    It is a journey, and — ironically — we have to be vigilant about dropping our hyper-vigilance!!  LOL!

    I’d be happy to support you with my flower magic… you know where to find me!

    Love, Katherine.